Grief during the holidays

Most of us don’t grow up thinking of the holidays as a difficult season. We may have been blessed with experiences of baking cookies, touring neighborhoods to see lights, and waking up on Christmas morning with the sheer joy of seeing gifts piled under a tree. But at some point in all of our lives, we come to experience the holiday season as dimmer and more difficult emotionally. This can be due to various reasons: the loss of a parent or spouse, difficult financial situations, a relationship that isn’t going the way we hoped, etc. The months of November and December become daunting and can feel impossible to cope with, especially when others are looking for us to be “cheerful.” In my personal experience, I struggle the most when I try to make the season as “perfect” as possible for my kids, becoming rundown and bitter. 

So how do we balance the joy of the season with the grief we feel inside? How can both of those things be held and honored?  Here’s some tips that have helped me and others “survive and thrive” during the holiday season:

• Start each day with intention. If you're religious, read a daily Advent devotional. Meditate the “holding” of both good and hard in your life. 

• Honor your loved one in a special way. Listen to their favorite holiday music. Bake their favorite food or dessert. Do an activity you used to do together. Talk about them!

• Don’t plan too many activities! Allow space for rest and time to feel sad for a while. Especially during the first few years of loss, planning for breaks from the busyness is so important.

• Set boundaries with others for you. If going to a certain party or gathering won’t be life-giving this year, take a pass. It’s okay to say “no” and you don’t have to feel bad about it. 

I was told once that grief is the most universal emotion we will experience in life. Please remember you are not alone and there are people who would love to sit with you in your grief.  You just have to reach out.